Inexistent Misadventure
by Sorceror Nobody
Summary: It's an easy "life", being a supreme transcendental nonentity... but what happens when Sorceror Nobody suddenly finds himself lost in the multiverse, powerless to return to the Void? Answer: Hilarity. Rated K for now; will become T, or maybe even M, later
1. Chapter I: The Beginning

This rambling, aimless story is all about a certain supreme transcendental nonentity. I should warn you that there is no ultimate plan here; I'm going to pretty much entirely make it up as I go along and see where my random decisions take me. Kind of like LOST, except that I'll actually make an effort not to set up a billion mysteries before dumping them all and going for a sickeningly religious ending. In fact, you should not expect this story to ever end. It might, but don't count on it.

Any and all OCs introduced in the story will be my own creations, unless stated otherwise. Any and all characters from existing media, of which I intend there to be a great variety, are the property of their respective creators/owners/etc. Readers are welcome to PM me with ideas for things that could be included, but don't be surprised or disappointed if I choose not to use them. Any such ideas will be fully credited to the person who suggests them.

* * *

**Chapter I: The Beginning**

You would think that a supreme transcendental nonentity, resident in the Void between universes, could get a bit of peace and quiet. There I was, minding my own business, when suddenly I felt a solid impact. This in itself is quite unusual, both in the sense that it physically interacted with me, and also the fact that there even was an "it" present. The Void is generally pretty empty.

Unfortunately, this impact continued to prove itself to be uniquely bizarre, because I was actually knocked clean out of the Void by it. This is pretty much an impossible feat, so that did considerably narrow down the possibilities for what the hell it could be. So there I was, in a universe I was not entirely familiar with, trying to work out what had collided with me.

After a few moments, it hit me. The answer, that is, not another strike from the mystery object.

Some of you, especially those of you who are British, are probably reasonably familiar with the revived series of Doctor Who. You may recall that, in the second series, the TARDIS fell through a crack in the Time Vortex and landed in a parallel reality. What you probably don't realise is that the events of Doctor Who are not, in fact, fictional. They are actual events from a universe running quite a long time ahead of yours, which makes the episode in question mildly ironic, don't you think?

The point is that the mystery object that had ejected me from the Void was the TARDIS. As it fell through the crack in the Time Vortex on its way into "Pete's World", it inevitably detoured very briefly through the Void. It just so happened that its trajectory coincided with me. Now, you see, I had a problem. As one of the most dimensionally complex objects in existence, it had a degree of influence on me. While time and space are ordinarily of little consequence to one such as myself (and there is _only_ one such as myself), being struck by a TARDIS as it transitions between two dimensions is bound to leave a mark, figuratively speaking.

The mark turned out to be an inability to escape the universe I had landed in. I had no doubt that I would regain the ability, but it would be quite an inconvenience in the meantime. I briefly considered my options: by far the best course of action was to sit and wait until I recovered and could return to the Void. Nothing could harm me, so it was not hazardous to remain in one place. The main objection to this was sheer boredom, which has always been something of a weakness of mine. In an act that sent the rational part of me into rabid outrage, I set off to explore my surroundings. It might be mildly interesting, I thought.

I had no idea how much of an understatement that would turn out to be.

* * *

Yeah, I know, very short. It's only scene-setting. I'll update if and when I think of how to get started properly :P

_Appeal: Supreme transcendental nonentities are known to seek sustenance from R&R. Please spare a few words, and save this cute little Sorceror Nobody from starvation_


	2. Chapter II: Endless Ocean

Okay, first "proper" chapter now! Before we begin, I want to make one thing clear: readers familiar with the Kingdom Hearts series will be aware that whenever the protagonists visit worlds which have existing stories (read: Disney films), they are essentially written into that story. I suppose it is appropriate that I am choosing to start this story with some Kingdom Hearts stuff, because it is going to work in a very similar way. Anyway, enough expository information: let's get started!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own any rights to the Kingdom Hearts franchise. This is a pity, because if I did, I'd make sure that the Final Mixes were actually released outside of Japan.

* * *

**Chapter II: Endless Ocean**

As I proceeded on a somewhat meandering route, I started to notice something odd... and when something seems odd to me, it's a safe bet that it's probably downright incomprehensible to mortal entities. The peculiarity in question was that either side of my path, there definitely seemed to be some kind of objects – perhaps foliage, or rocky outcrops – but no sooner did I pass by than I forgot what was there. After a short while, my suspicions had grown to the point where they outweighed my perception, and I firmly decided that there was no foliage, nor were there any outcrops. They were merely half-formed things, more like the mere idea of terrain, rather than an actual physical landscape. The instant after I had settled upon this conclusion, my surroundings obliged, vanishing completely and leaving a dark void all around me.

Alas, although this was _a_ void, it was not even close to being _the_ Void. Furthermore, there was still something about it that made me distrust the apparent emptiness. I know the scent, or essence, of Nothingness very well indeed, and this black space had only the barest whiff of it. I decided to try and force some sort of reaction by applying my utmost concentration, and was rewarded with a faint echo of a sound, and a slight glimmer of light in the distance. These stimuli lasted for perhaps half of a second before fading, but it was enough. I set off in the direction of the light.

After an indeterminate amount of time, I noticed that the emptiness beneath me had been replaced by jet black sand. I mused briefly on the possibility of it being volcanic, but this sand held the same weak trace of Nothingness that the void had, so that theory was quickly dismissed. More curious was the fact that there had been no transition; one instant I was lost in darkness, the next, I was on a beach. For it was a beach, and the sound I had faintly heard before was now recognisable as water gently caressing the shore. As I continued towards the sound, I started to pass by strange, misshapen things, almost like stunted and twisted trees, but with a texture not unlike melted plastic. As the "forest" of the contorted branches thinned out again, I found myself suddenly at the shore. I felt the urge to turn around and look back at the way I had come, but every direction behind me was utterly identical to every other. The path by which I had arrived on the shore was untraceable, and the only direction that meant anything here was the one spread out ahead of me.

It was indescribable. I could not actually see very much of the ocean that met the land there, but I knew instinctively that it was of infinite extent. Around me were a few dull boulders, with curious veins of some glowing blue substance running across their surfaces. Gigantic versions of the strange branches rose out of the water and arced high overhead, more jagged and imposing than the smaller ones I had encountered on my approach. In the distance, straight ahead, was a pale blue light. It was neither a sun nor a moon, but it was the closest thing to either in this place, and I immediately recognised it as the source of the glimmer that I had followed.

A place such as this could have no name, but I can try to come close. How should one go about describing this narrow strip of sand, with nothing of any sensical meaning on the one side, and an infinite ocean on the other? It is an insignificant line, drawn between two dark and unfathomable regions. Yes, I think that is the best description possible. This place is the Dark Margin.

Of course, it's all well and good coming up with the best approximation to a name for it, but the fact remained that I was stuck there. I briefly considered trying to cross the ocean, but quite apart from it being infinite, the very thought of moving over the boundary, out of the Margin, filled me with a sort of unknowable dread. There was something inherently _wrong_ about that ocean. I stared out over the water for some time; for how long, I do not know, and I suspect that it is meaningless to try and quantify time in the Margin. Eventually, I detected a miniscule shift in the atmosphere, and cast my gaze about in an attempt to pinpoint its source. After a few moments, I found it: lost in the heart of the blue glow that illuminated the Margin was an infinitesimal speck of another light entirely. I felt myself drawn to it, and through no action of my own, found myself speeding across the ocean towards it, drawn inexorably onwards. The blue glow, surprisingly, dimmed as I approached it, and at the instant it faded completely, I reached the speck of light at its core.

The experiences that followed were simultaneously bizarre and unremarkable. It seemed like everything turned inside out. Except that it also didn't. There was a blinding flash of light, and also, no flash at all. The half-formed ideas of a landscape that I had dispelled in order to reach the black void returned, flickered on the edge of perception, changed into a wild variety of monstrous forms, whirled all around me, disappeared, rose up dead ahead but melted away before impact...

Although such a thing is not actually possible, I fell unconscious.

~ S N ~

I heard the sound of waves, and there was sand beneath me. I didn't need to see my surroundings to know that it had all been for nothing, and I was still trapped in the Dark Margin.

"Are you okay?"

The voice surprised me. I revised my decision to not bother looking around me, and immediately saw that I was on a proper beach. The sand beneath me was normal, and the light shining in the sky was a real sun. I turned to see who had spoken, and saw a tall youth standing nearby. His expression was caught between confusion, concern, and a little bit of fear. He wore a simple outfit, in shades of dark grey, consisting of a long jacket with tails, armbands covering most of his forearms, and a plain pair of trousers tucked into knee-length boots. His hair was styled into spikes and, unusually for one so young, was grey in colour, although it had a silvery quality to. After examining him, I was about to look at the landscape behind him, when I realised that he was speaking again. I turned my attention back to him, and realised that he had repeated his initial question.

_I am... fine. Thank you._

Understandably startled to hear me speak directly into his mind, he stumbled backwards slightly. I saw, in his eyes, a flash of resolve. He did not retreat any further, and immediately started to ask me more questions. "Who, or what, are you? How did you get here?" He stammered slightly, but after a pause, he spoke more confidently, asking, "Did you come from the outside world?"

"I cannot answer if you do not give me a chance to speak," I said aloud. His relief at the change in communication method was evident, and he relaxed slightly as I continued, "I am... in a sense, I am nothing, or perhaps nobody. You may call me Sorceror Nobody, if you wish. I do not know exactly how I arrived here, although I must say I prefer it to the place I arrived from."

As I pondered how best to respond to his final question, he watched me warily, before turning away and walking down the beach, standing on the shoreline and gazing out over the sea. I thought of the Dark Margin, and decided to reply to his question with my own.

"What makes you think I am from another world, and if you'll pardon my asking, would you please tell me a little about this place, and perhaps yourself?"

He did not turn to face me, but he was not ignoring me. "My name is Xehanort," he said, "and these islands are my home. However, I am certain that there must be something more. This world is just too small; these islands are like a prison, surrounded by water. I feel trapped, my heart cries out for freedom, and I only wish I could find the strength I need to get out there... to understand."

I was astonished by his perception, and his determination. I could sense that, sooner or later, he would likely achieve the freedom and strength that he sought. I was about to tell him exactly that, when there was a sudden burst of light extending from his right hand. When the light faded, he was left holding an ornate object, which looked like some kind of weapon, although somewhere in my mind, it occurred to me that it also resembled some sort of key. Xehanort was as startled as me to see this mysterious key-like weapon in his hand, and looked at me.

"I'm as clueless as you, I'm afraid. I've never seen anything like this before," I said, answering his unspoken question, "but I can feel the power it holds. May I examine it?"

I do not think he was consciously aware of his reluctance to relinquish the blade, but I could tell that it was in some way bonded to him. After a barely detectable hesitation, he took the key end in his other hand, offering the handgrip to me. As I went to take it, I felt a peculiar resistance, but I was able to take it from him. Nothing happened for a moment, but then it seemed like the world froze. There was a blast of light, and a burning pain. This was disturbing, as pain is yet another experience that is utterly foreign to me, but I did not have time to consider this at length before I found my vision closing around me. The weapon vanished from my grip, reappearing in Xahanort's hand, and he was stunned for several moments, before reaching out to me as I writhed in the grip of an unknown influence. There was nothing he could do, however.

As I was torn from that world and flung between dimensions, I thought of only one thing: whatever that weapon was, it was anathema to me, and touching it had been a very bad idea.

~ S N ~

Xehanort watched, unable to help his new acquaintance. As the light that had taken the stranger faded, he looked down at the ornate blade he held, examining it more closely. Its colouration was entirely greyscale, apart from a blue jewel near the head, which resembled an eye. The shaft was split in two, joining together just below the jewel at the head end, and a representation of a demon with a horned head towards the handgrip. The face had tiny blue eyes, too, and its wild beard formed the upper part of the weapon's handguard, while the sides of the handguard had a design not unlike bat wings, leading down to a silvery chain. At the end of the chain was an intricate little emblem with a final blue gem at its centre.

He did not know what this weapon was, nor did he know where it had come from. Even so, Xehanort was confident that it was quite literally the key to escaping the world of his birth and gaining the freedom that he had craved for so long. He looked to the sky, making a silent wish that Sorceror Nobody would be safe. He certainly hoped that they would cross paths again. As the setting sun inched its way down towards the sea, setting the waves sparkling with beautiful orange-gold light, Xehanort wondered how long it would be before he could follow the self-proclaimed nobody, and make his own departure from the Destiny Islands.


	3. Notification

**Notification:**

Although it will still be published to this site, _Inexistent Misadventure_ is now also hosted on the Kingdom Hearts Fanon Wiki.

kingdomheartsfanon . wikia . com/Inexistent Misadventure

That version is superior to this one in many respects:

(1) Any changes, corrections and retcons that may occur will be dealt with on KHFW, simply because wiki format is a lot more straightforward to edit and update compared to this site's relatively cumbersome route. Only extremely large retcons are likely to make it into this version.

The upshot of this is that KHFW always has the most up-to-date version of the story.

(2) KHFW has articles dedicated to the characters, worlds, et cetera. These pages are quite obviously not available in the version.

(3) KHFW has a wider range of formatting options, and also has occasional images to visually supplement the story. Again, something that this site can't do.

- Sorceror Nobody


	4. Chapter III: Arrest

**Disclaimer:** I do not own any rights to the Artemis Fowl books. That would be Eoin Colfer.

* * *

**Chapter III: Arrest**

Being cast randomly through the multiverse should, in theory, be utterly terrifying, but I was pretty relaxed about the whole thing. This was partly because I've seen far worse things, but the main reason was simply that I couldn't do anything about it anyway. Besides, it provided me with an opportunity to give thought to something that was bothering me.

After the incident with Xehanort's mysterious weapon, I was already slightly concerned about my invincibility. Having started out with absolute confidence that nothing could harm me, the next re-evaluation of this theory came quite swiftly when I suddenly arrived in another reality. I have implied previously that all physical objects are unable to interact with me unless I want them to... or, as a very recent experience revealed, if the object happens to be a TARDIS in out-of-control flight between universes. Unfortunately, my usual intangibility was once again rendered questionable when I hit the ground upon arrival in this new universe. Suffice to say, a physical impact occurring in defiance of my ephemeral nature is bad enough. However, to add injury to insult, it also hurt. Quite a lot, actually.

It took only a few moments for me to recover, and I was on the verge of lifting myself off the floor when something else managed to collide with me, knocking me straight back down onto the ground. Like the first impact, this was far from painless, and I immediately surveyed my surroundings to seek out the offending projectile.

What I saw was someone who had clearly tripped over me. As they scrambled back to their feet, I took note of their features. I had to make some assumptions, since species throughout the multiverse display an astonishing range of characteristics, but I was reasonably confident that they were a female. She was humanoid, with the proportions of an adult human despite being only a metre or so tall. She was dark-skinned, with auburn hair and pointed ears, but there was nothing particularly special about that. I've seen a lot of different species in my observation of the many universes, and plenty of them have pointed ears. No, by far the most striking feature of this being was the intensity of her gaze as her hazel eyes found me.

I was not especially surprised that, like Xehanort, her expression seemed to be tempered by confusion and trepidation. However, judging by the style of her clothing – a green jumpsuit with some kind of insignia pinned to it, which I reckoned to be some kind of uniform – she appeared to be a professional enforcer, perhaps either police or military. My suspicion was reinforced when she quickly bent down to retrieve a helmet, which had presumably fallen off when she tripped over me. Given this deduction about the likely nature of her employment, I decided that it might be a good idea to say something to reassure her that I was not a threat. Actually, a more accurate statement is that I could be a considerable threat, if I chose to be, but that I had no intention of demonstrating any such hostility towards her. Content that I was able to give such a precise assessment, I proceeded to tell her exactly that.

At least, I tried to tell her exactly that. All things considered, I suppose I should have realised that the less accurate statement might have been the more sensible option when faced with a nervous officer. Especially one who was armed, it transpired, with some kind of electrified baton. Naturally, this would not have been a problem were it not for the persistent refusal of things to respect my non-physical nature.

I'd just finished saying the words "considerable threat" before she knocked me out with her weapon. My response to this probably would have been to sigh in a resigned fashion, but I don't have breath. There's also the fact that I'd been knocked out.

~ S N ~

When I regained consciousness, the female was dragging me along a corridor in what I guessed was probably the headquarters of whichever organisation she worked for. The corridor was quite crowded, but our progress was not especially impeded. For some reason, the other people there were giving her a wide berth.

In retrospect, maybe they were backing away from me, not her.

I had assumed that she was typical of this world's population, but the residents of the corridor were not all like her. Some were similar, but with wings, and their skin was lighter and green-tinted. Others were quite heavy-set, with quite frankly huge rear ends. There were a few reptilian individuals, who mostly seemed to be complaining on behalf of incarcerated relatives. There were one or two individuals who were a little shorter than the rest and had almost disproportionately large heads compared to their bodies.

As we proceeded, we passed by a squat, hairy and rather smelly individual who appeared to be picking the pocket of the person he was handcuffed to. My captor gave him a quick buzz with her weapon; presumably, it was on a much lower setting than she had used on me, as it merely singed the seat of his leather trousers.

"What'cha doing there, Mulch?"

Mulch was startled, and dropped a considerable quantity of items. It looked like he'd been picking the pocket of not only his arresting officer, but also every other person in the vicinity. I was unable to discern quite where about his person the many valuables had been concealed. Clearly, he was a pro at this kind of petty theft.

"Officer Short," he said, giving me the female's name in the process. He looked regretful, though I suspect it was for show. "I can't help myself. It's my nature."

Officer Short's reply had a distinct air of deadpan about it. "I know that, Mulch, and it's our nature to throw you in a cell for a couple of centuries."

I mentally filed away the factoid that, whatever species Mulch was, his lifespan was clearly extraordinarily long. I vaguely wondered whether it was unique to his race, or whether it was common to all of the beings I'd seen. My train of thought was disrupted when Short resumed dragging me along. She raised a hand to knock on a door labelled "Commander Root", but was pre-empted by an incredibly loud voice. The door was ajar, and if I didn't know better, I could have sworn that the force of the voice made it close very slightly.

"SHORT! GET IN HERE NOW!"

She took her helmet off and smoothed the creases out of her uniform, then turned around and glared at me, gesturing for me to stay right where I was. I can't say that it didn't occur to me to disobey her, but I saw no good reason not to stay put.

She entered the room, properly closing the door behind her, and I took a few moments to look back along the corridor. Virtually everyone in it was staring at me, mostly in mild terror. I still don't know what exactly is so frightening about me, although I do suspect that one factor may be my lack of anything that might reasonably be called a face. I can certainly see how that might be somewhat unnerving to the majority of sentient creatures.

I was distracted by the same voice coming from the room behind me. The completely closed door did absolutely nothing to diminish its volume. It was clear that someone, presumably Commander Root, was unhappy. By the sound of it, Officer Short was late to work. I heard her reply, and although it was too quiet to tell exactly what she was saying, I had a feeling that I was about to be called into the room. A few minutes passed while they continued to talk. I still couldn't hear anything more than odd words. Short's voice came through loud and clear at one point, speaking less than favourably about someone called "Frond". Eventually, the door opened, and Short beckoned me into the room.

As I entered, I immediately knew that the man behind the desk, who a nameplate confirmed was Commander Root, was almost certainly the one who had been shouting. The beetroot-purple colour of his face was something of a clue. I sniggered slightly at the potential for a pun: beet_root_. I stopped laughing when he directed a furious glare at me. The purple hue deepened, if that was even possible, and he almost appeared to inflate like a bullfrog.

"So, this is why you're late? Would you mind telling me what the ruddy hell it is?"

Short was silent for a few moments, before replying, "Not a clue, Commander. I was on my way here, and it just appeared right in front of me. I buzzed and cuffed it when it very kindly told me that it could be a considerable threat."

I did not take kindly to being spoken about in this way, and interjected, "...and if you had given me a chance to finish before you incapacitated me, I would have told you that while I am capable of being a threat, I have no intention of hostility."

They both stared at me for several seconds, then Root slammed his fist down on a button, which I took to be an intercom since he then spoke into a microphone.

"FOALY! MY OFFICE, NOW!"

The door opened, and someone who was quite plainly a centaur trotted into the office. "Already here, bossman," he said. "I've been on my way ever since Holly strolled down the corridor, and my sensors threw up a blank on her companion."

Holly Short glanced quizzically at me, and asked Foaly, "Which sensors?"

"All of them. Your weird-looking friend there is visible on cameras, but my scans tell me that there's nothing there. No mass, no electromagnetic fields, nada. I can detect matter down to one atom in a vacuum the size of the moon, and apparently, this guy doesn't exist."

There was a long silence, during which Foaly cantered over to a computer terminal. I took advantage of the opening. "Well, I could have told you that. Sorceror Nobody, at your service. I would say 'nice to meet you', but you've hardly made me feel welcome."

Holly and Root remained dumbstruck. There was a tapping of keys, and a slight buzzing sound. I noticed a flickering beam sweep over me, and then Foaly spoke up. "You might want to apologise to him, Holly. The guy is clearly sentient, and intelligent. Also, I've just cobbled together a new scanner module, and although I can't be entirely confident about the readings, there's definitely some kind of powerful energy around him."

Root regained his voice, and his purple hue. "Cut the jargon, Foaly."

The centaur clattered one of his rear hooves on the floor irritably. "Let me put it this way: if he did mean us harm, we'd all be a smear on the wall right about now."

There was another stunned silence. I had a feeling it was going to be a long day, and a glance at Foaly's expression told me that he thought much the same thing.


End file.
